Dipper Goes to Del Taco: The NOT Epic Saga
by MauMeow1
Summary: Do you like fangirling? Del Taco? Too much shouting? Seeing Dipper get beat up? Read now! You PROBABLY WON'T regret it.) Dipper finds a taco place in the middle of the forest. Little does the Pines twin know he is about to encounter the deadliest creatures of all. (Rated T because I'm paranoid about stuff. NOT a trollfic, trust me! And NO PINECEST.) Parodies: YOU!


**I was bored so I wrote this. Enjoy or don't enjoy if it's that bad.**

**Dear Dipper fangirls: Please don't kill me for this! I mean, we all have fictional crushes on someone. But, let's be honest, everyone would be killing each other to meet Dipper Pines if he showed up anywhere. If your name is Cindy...O.O And Pinecest guys: please don't get offended or anything. I just...no. Nope! Not my thing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls. Also, I got the "you sound thirty!" part from a review on this site, AV Club (I think) that mentioned how Dipper's voice of Jason Ritter DOES sound a little old for the part. Who cares, though? Dipper is awesome!**

* * *

_Dipper Goes to Del Taco: The Epicness Begins (NOT)_

It was a cheerful, sunny day outside. The sky was blue with just the faintest wisps of clouds. The Fallers had ceased their bickering over whether or not Stan has a twin for about two minutes. A moment of peace was here.

Dipper was hungry. He was walking in the forests of Gravity Falls when he saw some lights flicker in the distance. For a moment, the boy forgot his cravings for food and darted forward in hopes of seeing one of the strange, mysterious creatures he often encountered in these woods. Instead he came upon...Del Taco? The fast food restaurant was in the middle of no where, yet it was still clearly in business and was open. Even for Gravity Falls, this seemed out of place. Wrong. Deja vu-ish, even.

_Well, _Dipper thought. _I do have cash. And I'm hungry. And it doesn't _look _haunted._

There were a few people eating inside, and, as far as Dipper could tell, they weren't dead. He strolled up to the glass doors and opened them. His stomach growled at the smell of the unhealthy food. Maybe he liked tacos after all.

Dipper paid for two tacos at the counter (the cashier, sadly, was not any kind of crazy beast Dipper knew of). He sat down at a table to wait, hoping this stuff was really "fast food".

He set his blue and white hat down and leaned back. Wow, this was an odd place to be. Who would have expected, a Del Taco in the middle of a Oregon forest...

"OH MY GOD!" someone bellowed fro near him.

Dipper screamed.

Some random girl he had never seen in his life ran up and grabbed him by the shoulders. Dipper was too busy being freaked out and the girl was too busy screaming her head off for either of them to notice Dipper's order was ready.

"Who are you?! Ah! Get off of - "

"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE DIPPER PINES!" The girl, who was about Dipper's age but taller, shouted with way more exclamation points than Dipper could write in his life. He struggled against her grip, but she seemed abnormally strong. Either that or Dipper was as big a wimp as he thought he was.

"Hey! Help me! Who _are _you?!" he demanded again.

"YOU'RE SO HOT! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"

Another, older, girl walked up behind the one who was giving Dipper a freak-out. At first she seemed as uncomfortable as Dipper about the situation...then she spotted his hat.

"That's - That's - "

"IT'S DIPPER PINES! IT'S DIPPER PINES!"

"_HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME_?!" Dipper demanded.

The older girl got the same crazy look in her eyes as the one who was now either hugging or strangling Dipper. "Oh, we know everything about you, Dipper! Except, like, you're real name. But that's only until Alex Hirsch reveals it! We know about the puppets! We know about the birthmark! We know about BABBA!"

"W-who's Alex Hirsch? I don't know what you're..." Dipper's face got very, very red, and it wasn't because of the fact he couldn't breath _at all _now. "Wait! I never told anyone about the-"

"Text, Cindy! Now! Tell everyone it's...it's...OH MY GOD! IT'S DIPPER PINES!" The first girl was jumping up and down as she released Dipper and pulled out her phone.

"No! Stop! Help me. I have no idea who you people are!" Dipper tried to punch what he was sure was some supernatural tween stalker.

Someone else grabbed him from behind. "Ah!"

"Dipper Pines!" said another cheerful, high with happiness voice, "It's your **fangirls**."

* * *

Dipper was never able to recall what happened next.

It started with the doors breaking. A stampede of people (mostly female) smashed through the unlocked doors literally a minute after the "fangirl" "Cindy" (Dipper had no idea who these people were) had started texting and calling like mad. Most of her verbal messages were something like "IT'S DIPPER PINES! IT'S DIPPER PINES!" Yet somehow this huge crowd arrived before Dipper could figure out what she was doing.

"Sign my Bill plushie!"

"Sign my arm!"

"Sign my hat!"

"Sign my hundred dollar bill!"

"DIPPER PINES!"

Someone was choking him. The only response the screaming fans got was something along the lines of "Graaaaanppphhh EEEEEEHHM!"

Apparently this meant: "You have permission to tear my hair out and take my blood and kidnap me."

"LET GO OF MMMMMMMAAAAAAAAH!"

Five people were trying to grab him at once. Not only did this make Dipper feel as if his privacy were being violated for the hundredth time, but it felt like they were _tearing him apart_. Dipper tried to cry out in pain. Maybe he did; it was just lost in the inhumanly high squeals of "He's mine!" and "Come with me, Dip!"

The cashier? She was wearing a pine tree hat and fighting with some girl who had "Ship Me With Dip" written on her forehead over his vest. The worst part of all? Dipper's tacos were no where to be found.

"MARRY ME, DIPPER PINES?!"

"Nooooooo! Marry me!"

"Marry ME, Dippy!"

Dipper tried to get away. "I'm twelve years old!"

"And you sound thirty!"

Dipper stopped kicking. "You're saying I sound ma...ture?" His voice changed to a sort of squeak when a fan who was practically foaming at the mouth yanked part of his bangs up. "No, no, no!" Was someone dragging him? Wait, he was being pushed now. Del Taco didn't smell so good from the floor.

The next thirty minutes were scratching, screaming, punching, and biting. Fangirl fought fangirl in the desperate attempt to grab Dipper Pines and force him into marriage.

Dipper managed to roll away from a fangirl who was fumbling to get a plastic knife out and use it against her fellow fanatics. He was panting and bleeding in several places. The only think Dipper could think was, _What the heck? Who are these...fangirls? _They scared him more than Bear-O.

"Diiiiiiiiiiiiippy!"

"Agh!"

Dipper jumped through the smashed doors and ran as fast as he could from the Del Taco in the woods. A lot of the fangirls were still inside, tearing each other apart about who got to do some...things to Dipper. At first, Dipper thought he had escaped them.

"Fangirls! Fangirls, assemble! Our DIPPY PINES has left us!" A girl was shouting at the top of her lungs from the fast food building. Uh-oh.

* * *

"STOP!" Dipper kept yelling at the obsessive fans who were still running after him. _This must be like Mabel having a hundred Gideons chasing after her. Or maybe the gnomes; both were bad._ These people were insane!

Rocks and dirt flew out from beneath his feet. He was sprinting for nowhere. Dipper knew he couldn't lead them to the Mystery Shack. Who knew what they might do to the place? But where could Dipper run?

Then an angry, familiar voice made him spin around.

"Hey, you!" Mabel Pines sprang, cat style, from a tree at Cindy, who was the closest. "Yaaaaaaaaaaaa - Ow, OW!"

Mabel tumbled off the tall girl as she tripped and fell hard onto the ground. "No! Dipper!" the fangirl cried in desperation.

"I hate you!" Dipper screamed in horror as the wave of fans ran at Mabel and him.

"Fun stick!" Mabel threw it at someone. The stick bounced harmlessly off the fan's arm, but it drew the attention of some of the mass to Mabel instead of their target. She stared at Dipper. "Um...okay. Uh...uh...HEY YOU BUTTHEADS, STAY AWAY FROM MY BROTHER!"

"Mabel-!"

"Dipper!"

He ran at her, wiping some of the blood off his shoulder. Yeah, he was really going to go on a date with the girl who probably dislocated his arm. Mabel grabbed him. "Ouch, whoa!"

"Come on!" Mabel started to run. "These people go cray cray, Dipper! They're going to, like, kill you for your HAT."

"I noticed." Dipper touched the top of his head, where some of the hair was actually missing. "Where are we going?"

"Run!" Mabel said glancing over her shoulder. Some of the fangirls were holding up a sign that said "KISS!" What? Some of them were resisting and trying to drag down the kiss-sign girls.

"PINECEST! OH EM GEE!" They started to swarm around the sign-holding girls.

Dipper made a puking noise. "Eww, eww! Why the heck would someone DO that?"

"Oh, oh, bleergh! Eww! Mabel no like...!" Mabel turned and saw them. Apparently they had more than 1, words-only sign to demonstrate their love of twincest "Don't look back."

* * *

"I think they're gone."

Dipper leaned to look outside of the cave he and Mabel had been sheltering inside of for hours now. Every time one of the siblings tried to come outside, they would hear or see something that made them run back inside in fear of the fangirl mob. Eventually Dipper was so tired of the suspense and Mabel's complaining about how wet it was to care if he ran into one of those physcopaths.

After a few minutes of staring and waiting, Dipper turned back to Mabel. "Okay. I think it's safe."

The two twelve year olds started the painfully long walk back to the Shack. The sky was getting darker. That didn't help Dipper's paranoia at all. All those shadows that moved around them. He shuddered.

* * *

"Are you two okay?" Wendy looked up from her issue of "Indie Fuzz" as Dipper and Mabel entered through the gift shop.

"I need a new vest. Again." Dipper inspected the multiple fingernail tears in it.

Mabel grinned. "Yeah! Well, waiting in that cave sort of made me go bu-onkers, but we're GREAT."

The redhead stared at them for a moment, glanced back at her magazine, them stared again. "Anyone mind filling me in on this one?"

Dipper sat down and started to talk.

* * *

A tall, thirteen year old girl watched the Mystery Shack's window with binoculars. Hatred burned inside her. All that time, money, and HOURS on facebook spent getting into the Gravity Falls universe, and her Dippy goes to hang out with his crush instead of his loyal, loving fans? It wasn't working. Time for plan B.

"The Dip is home," Cindy said in her little squeal to the bus-load of fangirls on the other end with her ally. "Get the grappling hooks. We're going in Mabel-style tonight."

_The End_

**WELL. That turned out worse than I thought it would. Go ahead and flame if you hated my attempt at something; this was probably the worst story I've published, but I wanted to try my hand at a crazy-random fic. I know, I know, I'm not meant for this! I'm not writing any of these again. It was just too hard for me to write it out. I liked the crazy idea, though, so, well, I did.**

**Flame/Favorite/Disappear. Bye!**


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